Bored – Bought a Dog Crate Business

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So after months of being retired, I grew to be incredibly bored. I could only golf SO MUCH before I began to lose my mind. It drove me crazy hearing all of these old guys talk about their back problems and their wives all day.

So what did I do? I went business hunting. I took my previous mergers and acquisitions experience and went on the prowl for a great value.

and I sure did find one. The business? A local manufacturer of high-end dog crates. Yes, that’s right, high-end dog crates.

This may sound incredibly odd, but they have an incredible business model with strong demand and good margins. Believe it or not, there is a huge market for high-end dog crates. Think about all of the celebrities that pamper their dogs. What do you think those dogs sleep in? A $50 crate? Hell no. They sleep in a luxury, high-end dog crate. Only the finest that money can buy.

That’s where my business comes in. I take special, custom orders from our clients and create the dog crate of their dreams. On average, it costs me about $150 to make each dog crate. This includes labor, materials, and overhead.

What do I sell the dog crates for?

$1,200 or more. Talk about one hell of a profit margin.

It’s awesome, my dog crates have even gotten great reviews. I am consistently rated as one of the best manufacturers of dog crates for large dogs. The press that we haven gotten has been out of control. Once we had a press release go viral and we sold 500 dog crates in the matter of a day. Needless to say I bought a yacht that night.

I really had no idea that there was such a lucrative market in the dog crate business. I may expand beyond dog crates into other dog products, but for now, I’m happy with my incredibly high margins.

Life Update

Have you wondered what I’ve been doing since I quit my job?

If you have, then you need to get a fucking life and think of other things rather than me haha! Kidding aside, life has been pretty great since I left my job.

I’ve been spending a lot of my free time golfing with some old friends and traveling the world.

That about sums up me golfing….

More importantly, I’ve been spending much more time with my family. It feels so good to be able to go to all of my son’s soccer games and my daughter’s dance recitals. It feels amazing to see the look that my wife gives me now that I am around all of the time.

I have no idea why I ever spent so much time working.

Everything that I could ever need in my life was right here in front of me.

I can’t make up for lost time, but I sure as shit can make sure that I am here, 100%, going forward.

Nothing will get in my way of that.

Done

quit-job

I’m fucking done. I quit that fucking job. It has been slowly, but surely fucking killing me. There is absolutely nothing that I enjoyed about it anymore.

I decided to make the change after reading the book ‘Your Money or Your Life‘. I chose my life. Money isn’t as important to me anymore. Once you hit the peaks that I have achieved, the happiness that results from gaining more money greatly diminishes.

I am flush. Ok that’s an understatement. I am fucking rich. I have fuck you money. What’s that you ask. Take a gander:

 

That’s where I got. Man did it feel great to quit. No more having bosses tell me to work 20 hour days. No more having to pretend to love every dumb joke that some pompous douche-nozzle tells.

Nope, no more of that shit.

All I have to do now is focus on improving my golf game. Handicap of zero, here I come.

 

Thank God for Alcohol

Really, one of the greatest things that has ever been said in the history of the world is from Benjamin Franklin:

 

or maybe it was Homer Simpson…

 

Either way, there is no way that I’d be able to get through the daily grind without alcohol. I don’t know how people in other professions go through the day without drinking.

Do middle-class people not have stress during the day? How the fuck do they cope? I know they can’t do drugs, nor drink… What do they do? Go for a walk?

They live such simple lives.

It feels like my fucking heart is going to pound out of my chest. The stress of work has been near-unbearable. We’ve all been pulling 20 hour days in order to get this deal done. I have no fucking clue if we’re going to be able to pull it off or not. We’re going elephant hunting, as Warren Buffet calls it.

This will be the biggest acquisition that my firm has ever made. Pressure’s on, boys.

Let’s saddle up and fucking do this.

I Hate My Boss

I really, really, really hate my boss.

I’m sure a lot of people say that, but of course, not a lot of people have the problems that I do.

I was tasked with creating a 50 page pitch-book regarding a potential acquisition that we were going to make. The potential company had yearly revenues in the $200m range, but was barely showing a profit. The industry that they operated in wasn’t that competitive by any means.

After doing some investigating, I found that the company had ridiculous overhead costs. Absolutely absurd. They had all of the employees on a very generous profit-sharing plan with plenty of stock options. In addition, there were way too many employees than there needed to be.

As I learned at Harvard, in order to run a successful business, you need to control costs.

That’s certainly one thing that this business was not doing. Based on my estimates, I’d be able to shed 50% of the workforce, eliminate 30% of the stock option plan, and reduce profit-sharing by 25%. These savings would have brought the company from a 4% profit margin to a 39% profit margin. That’s fucking huge!

When I presented my idea to the board, everyone was all for the proposal. Everyone except my boss. He didn’t understand the industry and didn’t want to invest. I don’t understand it. We all pled our case, but it’s his call.

Board meeting

Board meeting

Fast forward a couple of months and the business is bought by one of our largest competitors. They implemented all of the cost-cutting measures that I had proposed.

The result?

Exactly as I had anticipated.

That acquisition would have made me 10% of the increased profits, or about $15 million dollars.

Thanks boss, you fucking ass-hole.

Acquisitions

The majority of my day is spent between hearing two competing sides bitch and moan about what price to pay for a certain business. I’m only there to make sure that the legality of the matter is handled within compliance of the law. This isn’t what I always wanted to do when I was a kid. I wanted to be a hard-nosed prosecutor. Needless to say, I realized in law school that I’d rather have the cash.

Mergers and acquisitions pays an absurd amount of money. I can’t really complain. I have it much easier than most people. I’d probably die if I did one of those Mike Rowe Dirty Jobs. I much prefer sitting in air conditioned offices all day, drinking the finest of whiskeys.

The last few weeks have been quite interesting. Our firm has typically operated within the consumer goods industry, both cyclical and non-cyclical. For the most part, this has provided us with low-volatility. Of course, if the business is cyclical and it’s in a downturn, then things aren’t that great. But even in that case, we choose to hedge against the sector by trading triple-leveraged futures.

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It’s really a silly business that we are in. We don’t really create anything of value. Truth be told, I’d much rather do something fun like run a bed and breakfast or run a website reviewing dog crates.  Seriously, what types of problems could those people possibly have? One of the guests throw up on the bed? Someone not like their dog crate? Come on. Those problems are nothing compared to handling 8 figure deals.

People who work middle-class jobs have absolutely no reason to complain about their lives. That’s something that really grinds my gears. Small people, small problems, right?

That’s my motto. Quote me on it.