Bored – Bought a Dog Crate Business

So after months of being retired, I grew to be incredibly bored. I could only golf SO MUCH before I began to lose my mind. It drove me crazy hearing all of these old guys talk about their back problems and their wives all day.

So what did I do? I went business hunting. I took my previous mergers and acquisitions experience and went on the prowl for a great value.

and I sure did find one. The business? A local manufacturer of high-end dog crates. Yes, that’s right, high-end dog crates.

This may sound incredibly odd, but they have an incredible business model with strong demand and good margins. Believe it or not, there is a huge market for high-end dog crates. Think about all of the celebrities that pamper their dogs. What do you think those dogs sleep in? A $50 crate? Hell no. They sleep in a luxury, high-end dog crate. Only the finest that money can buy.

That’s where my business comes in. I take special, custom orders from our clients and create the dog crate of their dreams. On average, it costs me about $150 to make each dog crate. This includes labor, materials, and overhead.

What do I sell the dog crates for?

$1,200 or more. Talk about one hell of a profit margin.

It’s awesome, my dog crates have even gotten great reviews. I am consistently rated as one of the best manufacturers of dog crates for large dogs. The press that we haven gotten has been out of control. Once we had a press release go viral and we sold 500 dog crates in the matter of a day. Needless to say I bought a yacht that night.

I really had no idea that there was such a lucrative market in the dog crate business. I may expand beyond dog crates into other dog products, but for now, I’m happy with my incredibly high margins.

Thank God for Alcohol

Really, one of the greatest things that has ever been said in the history of the world is from Benjamin Franklin:

 

or maybe it was Homer Simpson…

 

Either way, there is no way that I’d be able to get through the daily grind without alcohol. I don’t know how people in other professions go through the day without drinking.

Do middle-class people not have stress during the day? How the fuck do they cope? I know they can’t do drugs, nor drink… What do they do? Go for a walk?

They live such simple lives.

It feels like my fucking heart is going to pound out of my chest. The stress of work has been near-unbearable. We’ve all been pulling 20 hour days in order to get this deal done. I have no fucking clue if we’re going to be able to pull it off or not. We’re going elephant hunting, as Warren Buffet calls it.

This will be the biggest acquisition that my firm has ever made. Pressure’s on, boys.

Let’s saddle up and fucking do this.

Acquisitions

The majority of my day is spent between hearing two competing sides bitch and moan about what price to pay for a certain business. I’m only there to make sure that the legality of the matter is handled within compliance of the law. This isn’t what I always wanted to do when I was a kid. I wanted to be a hard-nosed prosecutor. Needless to say, I realized in law school that I’d rather have the cash.

Mergers and acquisitions pays an absurd amount of money. I can’t really complain. I have it much easier than most people. I’d probably die if I did one of those Mike Rowe Dirty Jobs. I much prefer sitting in air conditioned offices all day, drinking the finest of whiskeys.

The last few weeks have been quite interesting. Our firm has typically operated within the consumer goods industry, both cyclical and non-cyclical. For the most part, this has provided us with low-volatility. Of course, if the business is cyclical and it’s in a downturn, then things aren’t that great. But even in that case, we choose to hedge against the sector by trading triple-leveraged futures.

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It’s really a silly business that we are in. We don’t really create anything of value. Truth be told, I’d much rather do something fun like run a bed and breakfast or run a website reviewing dog crates.  Seriously, what types of problems could those people possibly have? One of the guests throw up on the bed? Someone not like their dog crate? Come on. Those problems are nothing compared to handling 8 figure deals.

People who work middle-class jobs have absolutely no reason to complain about their lives. That’s something that really grinds my gears. Small people, small problems, right?

That’s my motto. Quote me on it.